A Radical Solution to Utah's "Plumbing Problem"

Reading the December 10th Salt Lake Tribune report on plans to reduce general education requirements at Utah institutions of higher education by “cutting inefficient programs” and the December 5th Deseret News account of a meeting with Governor Cox during which he claimed that “higher ed has lost their way,” I started thinking about my plumber.

Last week our boiler was heating the house, but there was only cold water in the taps and shower. We called our plumber. He usually sends one of his journeymen or even an apprentice, depending on the specific problem. But yesterday he did the work himself. A pump feeding the domestic use system is inoperative, he reported. The replacement pump cost $400 and he charged us $200 for his labor. Now we can take warm showers again.

What if the plumber had diagnosed a faulty pump in the Governor’s mansion or the state capitol? I wondered. The discussion might have gone this way:

Governor (speaking for legislative leaders as well): What we have here is not a problem with the pump; the hot water has simply “lost its way”—as have our state’s plumbers. I support efforts to get rid of old pump-replacement “programs that have outlived their useful life.” “There will be bills in the upcoming [legislative] session” to begin a “reevaluation process.” We want to have a “heavier hand” deciding how the “completely broken” system that trains plumbers should be dealt with. Colleges are “taxpayer-funded institutions” and “voters should have the final say over the direction” of plumbing education. Unfortunately, plumbers have “forgotten their core mission.” Your work needs to be brought into line with the “values of the state.” We’re concerned, for instance, that becoming a journeyman plumber requires eight semesters of classroom instruction and eight thousand hours training as an apprentice. We must “graduate students faster.” Plumbers should be “out earning a living rather than spending their money on tuition and fees.”

Plumber: I trust you know that I charge double for political discussions that divert me from actual plumbing.

Governor: No problem. There’s plenty of tax money to fund politically motivated discussions and lawsuits. Let me continue. We’re going to investigate “what courses colleges provide” and will shape “alternative . . . pathways to fit a shifting economy.” Recommendations for “overhauling class catalogues” will be based on “a recent efficiency audit.” We’re going to recommend cutting classroom instruction for plumbers to four semesters. We’ll reduce apprentice training to four thousand hours. Colleges that don’t “produce the right outcomes” will no longer be “subsidized at the same level.” Finally, I’m especially concerned that plumbers are “much more in the advocacy business than the seekers of truth.” To address this issue, plumbing curriculum must include a focus on “western civilization and the rise of Christian” plumbing.

Plumber: Governor, your recommendations imply a level of expertise. I’m guessing that you have taken the journeyman tests and that you have, at least, apprenticed as a plumber.

Governor: No need for that. I rely on The Heritage Foundation. They are especially good at helping to “cast a critical eye at the return on investment of traditional education.” Plumbing education is enormously expensive. Because the present “governing structure in education . . . is completely broken,” existing instructors and administrators will never make the needed changes. Legislators are stepping in to make this happen.

Plumber: You also said you are worried about our supposed non-Christian, politically motivated curriculum? What evidence is there that we are an advocacy business rather than seekers of solutions to plumbing problems.

Governor: I rely on the American Enterprise Institution and groups like the American Legislative Exchange Council for information on public education. AEI reports, for instance, that colleges “are developing and disseminating deceit and lies. And they do so to prop up an oppressive and unjust power structure . . . at the expense of everyday Americans.”

Plumber: Your information that plumbers are a secular advocacy business comes from an advocacy institution that has an anti-advocacy agenda? I’d stay to dispute your claim, but I have another client waiting. Good luck with your hot water.